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[13 Jun 2010|10:29am] |
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there is a pb comm...well a pb AND celeb comm combined together, which is weird, that is based off of the town where my dad owns the only grocery store. it freaks me out?
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[03 Jun 2010|07:39pm] |
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it is awesome forming a group of people who have had really bad experiences with the same person. we're up to six and counting. like i said, when NO ONE LIKES YOU, it is not the whole world's problem, it is YOUR problem.
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[30 May 2010|10:27am] |
i am sick AGAIN. or at least starting to get sick again. and i was sick last week, too. whatever, i guess i should just live my life sick as hell because if i didn't, i'd basically be in bed constantly.
in other news, i bought a shitload of makeup yesterday. i am as happy as i am sick. which is a lot.
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[23 May 2010|04:53pm] |
sooo travis lip synched pretty much his whole set both nights, and badly i might add.
3oh!3 and cobra were fantastic as per usual. and ps i feel fuckin stupid every time i type 3oh!3.
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[01 Apr 2010|07:51pm] |
nohing is predetermined for me. i do not belong anywhere, with anyone. i do not belong with you. i don’t believe everything happens for a reason. i don’t believe in soulmates. i don’t believe it will all work out in the end. i don’t believe in you. much worse things have happened to much better people. i’ve got a real smile hidden behind all this. i wanna go somewhere else and show it off. somewhere else. someone else.
there will always be something there for us, but we will never be like we were. with time comes distance. with time comes closeness. we’re hovering above that fine line between the two. it wouldn’t be hard to fix, but we’ve got our backs to each other. i’m falling one way, and you’re falling in the opposite direction.
life always has been and always will be like this. accepting that fact is harder for me to do than actually living said life. living is the ultimate conflict for me. i will always be like this. no number of pills can fix that. but i’m still here. i live sunday to sunday. i’m prepared to live another week of mediocrity. but my life is what i make it, so i’d better fucking shape up.
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[21 Mar 2010|09:32pm] |
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i work in the healthcare field. i see how it is a two-faced profession. the need to help people, but the need to survive as a business as well. i know very well that in the longrun, this could mean downsizing for the entire healthcare field in order to level out the overspendature on the bill, possibly costing me my job. however, this reform is a step in the right direction. i haven't been this happy about something in a long time.
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[22 Feb 2010|05:51pm] |
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lmao i JUST NOW after 342434 days of having this journal realized it is not friends only. i win at life.
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[16 Feb 2010|06:14pm] |
doc is testing for mono. then a complete blood count to look at my white blood cells to see why my immune system is so weak/why i bruise a lot/why i'm so pale/so tired/why little scrapes bleed a lot. from there will be a bone marrow biopsy.
hopefully the testing ends with 'you have mono, you slut' and i don't have leukemia.
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[14 Feb 2010|09:02pm] |
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i fuckin hate rp right now.
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[02 Feb 2010|12:04am] |
i dont know the future of fall out boy. its embarrassing to say one thing and then have the future dictate another. as far as i know fall out boy is on break. (no one wants to say the “h” word). as much as i dont have a solo project, i also cant predict that id ever play in fall out boy again. not due to personal relationships as much as a band we grew apart. in this statement id like to include there is the possibility that fob will play again with out me or i will be a part of it when everyone is on the same page. it is no ones fault and there is no animosity about the decision. i felt as fans you deserve to know. there is no singular reason for this. the side projects or bands are supported by all members of the band. i am the single biggest fan of fob and if this is our legacy than so be it. i am proud of it
^^^that's what i get for making one band my life for six years.
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[01 Feb 2010|06:41pm] |
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i'm probably deleting this.
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[28 Jan 2010|05:58pm] |
i've been so sick and thus rediscovered salad fingers. all the rest of my time has been spent on listverse.com.
i'm going to the doctor to look into something more serious being wrong with me. i've been sick more than half of the last three years. last year was PARTICULARLY bad. i was sick 8 months of the year. and the year before that i was sick about half the year.
i of course, fear leukemia. my mom thinks it's walking pneumonia but i haven't had much trouble with my chest except for two years ago.
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[08 Dec 2009|06:49pm] |
i really do love katy perry more than just about anyone. she is insanely talented and even the weird bible thumping background adds to character.
great things for this month:
baby
christmas
uhhhh...and then only one month until:
secret life of the america teenager
big love
it being next year when i go to new york with jaimie
possibly chicago with parents
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[14 Nov 2009|10:04pm] |
There are secrets you've taken to your grave with you. Simply thinking that brings tears to my eyes. The same tears you'd wipe from my swollen, salt-stained cheeks every night I begged you not to go. I think it was love, though it's been too long to remember the feeling. Now, you're gone and I'll never get to experience how it felt to see you walk into a room I'd been waiting for you in again. We were young. The kind of young where two people know nothing of the future other than it involved the other person. If we failed, we'd fail together. I never thought we would, but we did.
So what do I say about those lost years? The months I saw you every day and couldn't muster up the courage or the nerve to slap or hug you. The weeks I knew you'd fly a thousand miles away. The minutes before I knew you'd leave and didn't even want to say goodbye. We were quite a pair. We both wanted so much more than the other could give. I'm still convinced I would have brought you home, with me, where you belonged. Though, I let you slip away. A simple drive from the airport to your unfamiliar trailer on the other side of town is the last thing I remember.
Even though I can read pages and sentences from the images in my head, I can't remember what you looked like. You were a man, but you'd always been a man to me. In the guestbook at your funeral, I wrote "You're the man who made me the person I am today." At fourteen, I looked up to you. At twenty, I cried for you. The second I read your name, the eulogy I'd write started tearing through my head and pouring out my eyes. When I knew you were gone, your image blurred in all of my memories. All I have left are torn films. I can't hear your voice, or see your face. I don't even remember us from my point of view. I remember as if I'm standing in the corner of the room, watching you and watching me as your blob of a figure carries me inside or makes me laugh or begs me to stop crying.
We each made a bad decision. I decided to carry on life without you. You decided to carry on life without me. Every decision I made after that was wrong, because it didn't have you in it. I am in the future I saw at sixteen, but as I write this, you are not beside me. The future I saw when I was sixteen never would have involved death on impact, or Texas, or any man but you.
I lived fine on my own before I met you. After I met you, I never wanted to live without you again. I let you walk out of my life willingly. Our only reconciliation was behind the safety of two screens, and a short drive from here to there when I helped you unload your suitcases from my car, to the trailer I'd never been inside of. I never saw you again, but I was okay with it, because I still knew I was the best relationship you'd ever had. Even though we weren't together, I still saw a glimpse of a future where you'd come home for good.
There was something wrong with me the night you died. I stared at the pictures I had of you and wondered why we hadn't spoken in a year. I could lie in bed and talk about you for seven hours straight, but could let you slip from between my fingers for the better part of twelve months. I thought about contacting you. I thought about small talk, and empty explanations as to why I'd not contacted you sooner. I feared your response wouldn't come, or you'd place blame. I postponed it until I could figure out something to say. Really, I could have said anything. I thought about you every day. There is always something in my life that reminded me of you. I was constantly faced with your absence. After the night I postponed contacting you, I was constantly faced with your death. I am constantly faced with your death.
You were mad at me when you died, and now I'm mad at myself for the rest of my life.
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[01 Nov 2009|12:06am] |
i fell in love with a boy my senior year of high school. he's the second boy i'd ever loved. even after he carried on with his life halfway across the country, when he toured, we would spend the night together. even though he had a girlfriend. even though there was a billion other things he could be doing. earlier this year, he stopped emailing, iming, calling, and texting. literally, it happened over night. one night, he says 'i will be there tomorrow' and the next, he completely cuts off ties with me. i texted and called and asked him just to tell me what was wrong and not completely cut ties with me. he never did. i haven't heard a word from him since early this year. i try not to pay attention to when his band is in town or when his sister says he's coming home. i just can't help it.
i miss curtis SO much right now.
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[17 Oct 2009|11:05pm] |
sooo, i just tried six times to install snow leopard onto my macbook pro. no avail. first three times, it couldn't read the disc. it also wouldn't eject it. then, i restarted with the disc in and the installation was moving along just fine. i took a nap. woke up and it had failed. tried again. it was working fine but this time i watched it. halfway through installation, it restarted itself and spit out the disc. sixth and final time, it automatically went right to the 'installation failed' screen.
ummmm, macintosh, you are acting like a fucking pc. bite me.
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[27 Sep 2009|07:39pm] |
i've been feeling really down lately. i ruined my own sanctuary, which was work. i love work, i love the people i work with. then i slept with someone from work, got pregnant. i miscarried around a month after i found out i was pregnant, and by the time i miscarried, the boy was already sleeping with someone else in the office. the girl who happens to sit five feet away from me 40 hours a week. so i went through two months of hell and right as i was getting over it, someone told the boy i was pregnant and miscarried. so he decided he wanted me back and did everything short of beg me to take him back. i was stupid enough to think maybe it would work. but he's still with her and i feel like it all happened just yesterday.
i've distanced myself from everything yet again. i don't leave my house. i don't...want to do anything or care about the fact that i'm alone for all of my freetime. in the past few months, i've only seen/spoken to my good friends less than ten times. i'm crying a lot. i'm thinking about things i haven't thought about in years. i just feel awful about myself and about everything around me. the kicker is i really don't care. i think i'd rather stay this way than dig myself out of the hole, because i'm too emotionally drained to do that again.
i really cared for this guy. he fucked me over, and it's more complicated than i made it seem just now. i never wanted anyone to know i miscarried. it took me nearly a year to tell anyone about my first miscarriage. it took me about two months for this one, simply because i felt like no one understood why i was so wrecked over zach leaving me for someone else. namely his girlfriend, because she didn't understand why i was so mad at her boyfriend all the time. the girl he left me for happens to be a friend of mine. how could she not be? i spend most of my time with her at work.
i am only happy with my parents and my friends. my parents live out of town so i see them on weekends and i can't seem to muster effort to see or speak to any of my friends. why? because when i do hang out with them, all i get is 'why are you so quiet? are you okay?' i've been spending time with my ex-now-gay boyfriend, rodrick. i gravitate toward him because he's going through a lot of much worse pain. his oldest sister committed suicide, his dad committed suicide and his mother has tried twice. all this in a span of the few years he was figuring out he was gay. so i feel like i have nothing to worry about with him. i can't feel bad for myself because he's been through so much worse.
last night, me, rodrick, and vancil drove around for a few hours and basically just told our stories. all the bad shit that happened to us. it was so hard for me to come out and say anything. i was literally silent for an hour of the drive. i was sexually and physically abused until i was 5. for the first two years it was my family. then i was adopted. the next three years was repeated episodes from a much, much older neighbor. i've been in therapy and on and off mood stabilizers since i was six years old. i have vivid, vivid memories of all my abuse. everything i don't remember is documented well in numerous police reports. it all feels like a bad movie, my childhood, until i was seven after my parents divorced and remarried. then what do i have? i had 4 years of a perfect life until i started feeling like shit about myself for no reason. middle school is when i wrote my first suicide note. high school was my first planned attempt. there was nothing that should have made me feel the way i did. and there's still nothing bad enough for me to feel like i did back then. then after high school were two pregnancies and a shitload of betrayal and self-pity. so we all told our respective stories. and that was all i said on the drive.
the boys i was with are so numb to everything at this point that they don't feel sorry for me. and i don't want them to. i didn't want them to tell me i've been through hell. i know i have. they didn't say anything. we're just all fucked. and what did we do? laugh at our lonliness and bitteness toward ourselves and our pasts. why? because we're slowly getting over it. i just don't have the ability to feel numb about it. i keep reopening a fresh wound.
i had to quit twittering because i became completely engrossed with what tacos people were eating. i checked twitter every three minutes, it seems. i have to distance myself from keeping in touch with people via sentence-long bullshit that they probably wouldn't even bother to tell me face to face or in a text. hopefully, by stopping this social networking for a little while, it will force me, on some level, to reach out personally. it hasn't happened yet, but at some point, i NEED my friends back.
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[04 Aug 2009|06:52pm] |
i have hypersomnia or something. ever since going on the depo shot, i have been able to sleep entire weekends. and i mean it. like i will go to sleep at 7ish on friday after i get home from work. i'll wake up at 3pm the next day, get up, pee, eat something, check the internet, go back to sleep at 5pm saturday, then wake up again at 1 the next day, just to go back to sleep by 6pm sunday. i've done that at least three weekends since i've been on the shot. also, i tend to go to sleep when i get home (i am REALLY fighting it right now) and then sleep all the way until 7am the next morning.
then again, there are like, 3 nights out of the month where i CANNOT GET TO SLEEP and i need sleeping pills to get me there.
idgi. stupid sleep schedule.
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[01 Aug 2009|05:53pm] |
i just bleached my hair and i did it the same way i always do it, with the same on/off scalp lightener and the same 40vol developer and i left it on for about an hour and a half (when i usually leave it be for about an hour and 15 minutes) and it turned fucking carrot orange, when it normally turns WHITE. i do not get it. so i toned it a little darker, to a beigeish blonde just so the roots will blend in a bit. but i'm going to go get new developer and powder lightener tomorrow because if i leave it like this, i have to keep toning it that darker color when i want it almost white.
i just don't know why the way i've always done it for the past two years didn't work today.
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[27 Jul 2009|06:00pm] |
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i've done this before. but seeing cobra on 8/7 in CO springs. then directly after, leaving for salt lake city. it is a 9ish hour drive. and i want to go to warped for the whole experience and see more than just cobra...sooo i will actually have to be awake. hello no doz and fucking monster and espresso like crazy. but then i get to go to sleep in a hotel the night of the 8th. denise is coming for cobra on the 7th, but maybe not cobra at warped on the 8th. thing is, we were just gonna hang in denver and do warped on the 9th there but then cobra had to go and fuck up my life. i cannot not go to every cobra show within like, 500 miles. and in the case of kansas city, 900 miles AND IN THE CASE OF SAMI, 1000-1300 MILES ugh.
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